I’m awake at night. It’s been happening sometimes. I have a feeling it has to do with too little exertion. I live my life at such a low level, it’s like I’m half asleep. I really need to start running or something. The workdays are easy too–driving in is like an hour’s meditation, just sitting there listening to the radio. Then I get into work and everyone’s so polite. I get some coffee, sit in my chair, check the web, and start editing. I get up from time to time to talk to people, but after seven hours I’m no more tired than when I got there. And I drive home, through the forests, small towns of Holliston and Sherborn, past the perfect little white churches, the general store, and it’s like I’m already dreaming. I’m usually not tired when I go to bed.

Speaking of dreams, last night I dreamt I was in a school bus that was sinking in the ocean, with just a little air left, and trying to squeeze out one of the windows. When I did make it out, I was talking to my brother on a cell phone, and there was some indication that I was in the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness.” After some investigation of the dream journal, Isa (that’s my wife, dear reader) led me to conclude that the bus represented my family dynamic, and I was struggling to survive and find happiness within it, and communicate that need to Kevin, who has been surrounded by family since college. I had extricated myself from it when I went to Chicago, but now find myself back in this world, with parents and other relatives within an hour’s drive, and struggling to figure out how to relate and still maintain a separate identity. We may just conclude that we miss Chicago and run away again, pursue happiness out there.

Of course, as I have concluded time and again, I really have little idea what would make me happy, or why I do anything. Maybe it’s about the elephant/driver dichotomy of the mind, in which the elephant does not know or care what the driver (the conscious self) wants. The driver might think he’s in charge, but really he’s just along for the ride. But sometimes I think my inner elephant doesn’t know what he wants either, except to please others. Would I be happy here, or in Chicago, or either one? I don’t know. I don’t know if I was born this way or if it was beat into me, but sometimes I really can’t think what I want, especially if someone else might have an opinion that I could defer to. I’m just too damn afraid of disappointing other people.

So that’s one of my main goals, is to try to figure out what I want, and to say it. Not necessarily the big things, like what to do with my life. More like what to do for the next ten minutes. Maybe if I can string together enough proactive decisions, I can feel like I was awake all day, and my body will let me rest at night. 

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